


Hurt

by Writers_clock



Series: Signed in Crimson: A Collection of Julethief One-Shots [10]
Category: Carmen Sandiego (Cartoon 2019)
Genre: Angst and Tragedy, F/F, Heavy Angst, I cannot stress the angst levels in this fic, Kind of ends well???, no plot just angst, the plot doesn’t make sense but oh well, yeah we’ll say that
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-11
Updated: 2021-03-11
Packaged: 2021-03-17 23:29:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,058
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29973936
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Writers_clock/pseuds/Writers_clock
Summary: Carmen goes to see Julia, after two years of silence.
Relationships: Julia "Jules" Argent/Carmen Sandiego | Black Sheep
Series: Signed in Crimson: A Collection of Julethief One-Shots [10]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2131176
Comments: 7
Kudos: 47





	Hurt

Carmen didn’t know what she was doing here.  _ Why  _ she was here. But she had knocked on Julia’s door after two years of silence, wanting to reconnect. She had seen Julia, briefly, from the roof after capturing Paper Star.

But that was different. That was work.

“Hi,” Carmen greeted nervously as Julia opened the door. Julia stood, mouth agape, just staring.

“Carmen!” She pulled Carmen into a hug almost immediately, then backed away just as quickly. Like the hug was a secret that she was keeping. “Hi. I missed you. You, uhm…” Julia trailed off, gesturing to Carmen’s short hair. “You look good.”

“Thanks,” Carmen replied awkwardly. God, what  _ was  _ she doing here, after the pain she had caused. “You missed me?”

Julia blinked. “Of course?”

“Why don’t you hate me?” Carmen asked. Her hands were in her pockets, and she wouldn’t look at Julia.  _ Couldn’t  _ look at Julia, without feeling like there was something wrong with her.

“Why would I hate you?” Julia whispered, her voice breaking. That made it worse, that made Carmen want to scream and cry and shatter into a thousand little pieces. “I could never hate you, Carmen.”

Even her name, said like a prayer. Even her name, which should’ve been said like a curse. That would make it easier, dealing with the hate. That would make everything easier, but then again, Carmen didn’t think she  _ deserved  _ easier.

She had been the one to hurt Julia.

It was her fault, her fault,  _ her fault. _

“I  _ hurt  _ you,” Carmen choked, squeezing her hands into tight fists. “I hurt you, and you’re not even mad.” Julia just stood there, tears in her eyes, waiting. Waiting for something Carmen didn’t understand. “And then I disappeared, for two years, and you’re not even mad.”

“I  _ am  _ mad,” Julia sighed. One hand squeezed her necklace, and she took a step towards Carmen. Just one step closer. “But I don’t hate you. I could never hate you.” The confession was sweet as a whisper and soft as one too, but somehow it stung like poison to Carmen.

_ Why do I take good things and make them bad? _

“Hate me,” Carmen begged, but Julia just bowed her head and shook it. It took a few moments for Carmen to realize she was crying. “Jules, I-”

“We care about you, Carmen.” Julia furiously wiped at her tears. Carmen wanted to reach out to her, to comfort her, but knew she shouldn’t. “We all care about you, we’re not going to  _ hate  _ you. I just want you to be okay.” She lifted her head, meeting Carmen’s eyes, showcasing the fear and fury and love. “I just want you to be okay.”

“I’m okay,” Carmen promised. She couldn’t cry too, because that would be stupid, because she didn’t deserve to cry. 

“Then why didn’t you tell us?” Julia was angry now. She marched up to Carmen and grabbed her by the lapels of her coat. “You disappeared for two years -  _ two years -  _ and then you show up, at my door, and ask me why I don’t hate you?” 

“Jules, I’m sorry.” The words weren’t enough to express it. The words were useless against the storming guilt and fear and regret. 

“I know you are,” Julia replied shortly, letting go of Carmen’s jacket. “I know you are,” she repeated, this time the words a whisper. “It’s okay. It’s okay.” She backed away, averting her eyes.

“I hurt you, and then I hurt you again by leaving.” Carmen swallowed, her hands fidgeting. This was worse, this was so much worse. “I’m sorry. I know I said that. I know it’s probably not going to help. But I need you to know.” Carmen felt nauseous, like her body was rejecting her actions.

“I know, Carmen,” Julia sighed. “I know. And I don’t hate you, I could never hate you. I just wish you would talk to me.” She squeezed her eyes shut, but tears were already falling. It didn’t matter. “I wish you  _ would’ve _ talked to me.”

Carmen wanted to apologize again, wanted to sob her apologies, wanted to break into a thousand million pieces. Instead she stared down at her hands, hands that were stained in metaphorical blood.

“I do to. I just… I was scared. That you would hate me for what I’d done, when I was. Her.” Carmen didn’t want to see herself as  _ that person.  _ Didn’t want to think about what she’d done when she was bad. “But then I got to thinking, that maybe you should hate me. That… that if you hated me, then maybe I could move on without feeling bad about it.” 

She felt bad for even thinking it, much less admitting it aloud. It was a permanent conundrum of guilt. Guilty for thinking it, guilty for keeping it hidden, guilty for running away.

“I can’t hate you,” Julia muttered, leaning against her door. She looked tired, so tired, like it was exhausting just standing here. “I loved you.”

“Loved…?” Carmen repeated quietly. Had she ruined that, too? Ruined  _ love?  _ Her throat squeezed. If only she could go back in time and yell at her past self. And stop herself from getting kidnapped in the first place.

“Loved. Love. What difference does it make.” Julia inhaled sharply when Carmen took her hands, eyes widening.

“It makes every difference,” Carmen whispered. “I know I can’t… can’t fix the past, but I want a chance to fix things now. Please.” A completely different beg from her first one, where she wanted hate. Now she wanted the opposite.

_ You don’t deserve it,  _ a voice whispered.  _ Let yourself be hated for what you’ve done. _

Julia’s hands slowly made their way up Carmen’s arm and onto her shoulders. “I’m still angry at you,” she murmured as her hands cupped Carmen’s face. “But I love you.”

_ Let yourself be happy,  _ her heart whispered.  _ Let yourself be happy. _

“I know you are,” Carmen chuckled. She hesitated. “Let me make it up to you. Please. I…”

_ I love you the way paper loves to ignite, to cling to fire as soon as it comes near and burns itself away. _

_ I love you like tragedy loves foolish hearts in love. _

_ I love you the way that butterflies love the wind. _

_ I love you like you love me. _

“I know, Carmen,” Julia said softly. “I love you too.”

**Author's Note:**

> Painrot<3


End file.
